I look at a lot of boomers who eventually take separate bedrooms, like my parents do. And it hurts my heart. 💔

Yet at the same time. I do believe the shared bedroom concept for couples takes away from their individuality.

I envision a world where we all have our own unique spaces. 🌟

When I was in college my girlfriends parents insisted she have her own space. We thought it a waste of money at first, but the memories of that place will always hold a special place in my heart. It’s decor was purely her.

I understand now why her father was adamant about that.

And when we graduated and moved back home for several months while we tried to decide what we would do with our lives next. I had my room old teenage bedroom in the basement of my parents house, only now it was packed wall to ceiling with 4 years of having an apartment to fill with things. I still remember how much I enjoyed spending time in there.

And I believe out of that, when she and I spent those 9 months not spending the night together. Me in my teenage bedroom and her in hers. In spite of that she never once spent the night during any of those nine months. Maybe because she couldn’t quite get out from under her parents’ control, or maybe she just didn’t like me much anymore. I may never know the truth. But what’s truly important to see in this, is that regardless of whether that relationship was doomed or not, my relationship with myself was badly in need of some improvements.

This is perhaps the most insidious thing about romantic entaglements in general. Your relationship with your partner can be fantastic and wonderful in every conventinal sense, but we assign so much more value to our romantic relationships than we do any of our others, that we even forget to value our relationship with our self. And, that’s the relationship that you’ll really wish you hadn’t neglected if you ever find yourself in a situation where your primary romantic entanglement dissolves. You’ll be more a lone than you’ve ever known alone to be because you haven’t even got yourself.

I found myself there two years later when that relationship did finally reach a breaking point. I shudder to think what would have become of me if I hadn’t had a relatively recent extended period of time that I spent with myself. It was during those 9 momths that we came up with the concept and songwring process for the Incest by Proxy musical project. Looking back at it, by comparaison, I was especially able to achieve creative flow during this time period.

When we share a bedroom with our romantic partner, the room becomes generic. Every decision is a compromise betwen our shared interests. I’m not saying that this is a bad thing, but we have literally all the other rooms in our homes for this. When you were growing up, your bedroom was your space in your parents house. I think for many of us, this is a means of connecting with something integral to who you are. We move through life and sometimes we lose things that we didn’t know were important in favor of the adult way of doing things. Before I had my drivers license my bike was my primary mode of transportation. The summer I got my license I don’t think I got on the bike a single time, but just a year prior, I’d spend multiple hours each day moving around my town on bike. A couple years later, I realized something was missing. I hadn’t really immersed myself in the natural world for all that time, and I began to crave the experience of being outside on the bike, with the smell of the plants, and the experience of watching the world go by slowly enough to actually take it in.

So I had traded that for the ability to get to places that were further away. But I didn’t have to trade it because the bike was still there as were all the places I could get to with it. The same is true of our bedrooms. Those spaces don’t necessarily need to be in different buildings, but they need to exist. Everyone needs a space just their own where they can escape and depcompress. If you share an efficiency or a studio with your partner, you can designate a section of the room to be your own, what’s important to pay attention to is what your childhood bedroom provided you a venue for so that you can recapture this and make it a space that lets you connect with yourself, what you enjoy, what makes you - you because if you’ve lost touch with that, probably your partner is, whether they realize it or not, not as into you as they were before… because way back when you met them. You know how they say you finally meet that person once you’ve stopped looking… that’s because you had found yourself, you we’re in touch with that person… you. And you were most likely living your best life, and that made you really attactive to exactly the sort of person who is the best match for you. And they feel in love with you. They probably don’t even realize how much they miss that person if you’ve lost yourself entirely in who you are in the relationship.

Humans need a space where they can express their uniqueness. Because while without that unique space we lose our individuality and independence. And keep in mind that if you don’t give your partner the space for this, maybe if you simply fail to encourage them to spend time on themeselves. Some people can have a tendency to feel guilty if they are in the same house with their partner and are not paying attention to them. This is not good. If your partner doesn’t spend time connecting with their self… that personality you fell in love with in your partner will fade out of existence. I believe it is entirely possible that the person you loved can disappear and it may not be possible to get them back. That little spark can flicker and die. Pretty much everything about our society is designed to snuff that out as it is. If you want to keep that thing that makes people like you anymore, you’ve got to fucking fight hard for it.

And if you don’t watch out, it can turn ugly and toxic, it can develop into and grow into a resentment for each other’s dependence. Every so often in relationships, for whatever reason things can become toxic and we must have the presence of mind to know when to step back and go to our respective spaces. Maybe it has to come to that for most people to receive the wake up call and realize the need to take these things seriously. If you ever find yourself in that situation, remember what you read here, and use it to heal yourself and your love. Escape to a place that is uniquely yours where you are the most comfortable. It is here where we are able to think clearly enough to find ourselves and remember why we miss our partner.

And then invite them to spend the night with you in your room.

When our energies are in alignment 𑇞𑇞𑇞𑇞 our respective spaces become a place of comfort where we can entangle elements of eachother that are good and positive; and hopefully purge the fucking negativity that is just pouring out of the world around us all. Because, for fuck sake, there’s just way too much of it coming from outside of our worlds, the last thing we need to create our own. ♥️

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